Here With Me
by Glittering Pegasus
Summary: Three years after it all begins, Sydney sits alone in a safe house secluded from everything, reflecting on all she lost. (S/V)(Song fic)


A/N: Ok um the lyrics are from Michelle Branch's 'Here with Me.' There's lots of flashbacks but they're all of the same night so it's not too confusing,. 
    
    ****************************************
    
    It's bland here. That's all I can say to describe it. Perfectly matching my 
    
    emotions. Gray. The walls are gray. The carpet is gray. The curtains draped 
    
    over the permanently shut windows are gray. 
    
    I've long since forgotten the exact color of the sky or how bright the sun 
    
    can shine on a summer day. The outside world is like a legend or a dream. The 
    
    memory of it fades and becomes more and more transparent with each passing 
    
    day. It's been a year. 
    
    I barely speak anymore. There's no use. There's no one around. But sometimes 
    
    I'll catch myself mumbling jumbled phrases when I'm alone in a ringing 
    
    silence. I must be going crazy. But it's not like I have anyone to be sane 
    
    for anyway. No one ever enters this place and no one ever leaves. No one 
    
    knows I'm here and no one ever can. 
    
    **_**It's been a long long time since I looked into the mirror_**
    
    **_I guess that I was blind, now my reflection's getting clearer_**
    
    **_Now that you're gone things will never be the same again** ___**
    
    I don't think too much about me anymore. I don't wonder how much longer I'll 
    
    last like this, or if I could've saved myself or even what I look like 
    
    anymore. There's a mirror here, behind which I know is a random agent or two. 
    
    They only stop by every once in a while to check up on me. I know because 
    
    sometimes I hear their whispers through the vents. 
    
    I don't really use the mirror. I know what my reflection will be. A lost, 
    
    lonely looking woman with distant brown eyes, pasty white skin, and two tiny 
    
    imprints on her white cheeks, signs that dimples would show at the slight 
    
    chance that she would ever flash even the smallest smile ever again. 
    
    There's nothing much to care about anymore. All I ever loved and cared about 
    
    I had to leave behind. And one of them had to leave me. 
    
    Do they care? The people I left behind? When I disappeared early one morning, 
    
    how long did they search after they awoke to find me gone before they gave 
    
    up? Does it cross their minds anymore, a shadow of a memory. "Whatever 
    
    happened to Sydney Bristow?"
    
    And what about the one who had to turn away from me? Does he regret it at all?
    
    **_**There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day_**
    
    **_You're such a part of me but I just pulled away_**
    
    **_Well I'm not the same girl you used to know_**
    
    **_I wish I said the words I never showed**_******

I think about him the most, with almost every passing moment. Sometimes I flick on the TV, the only connection I have left to the outside world. It tunes into some soap opera where the girl is separated from her soul mate, and I cry. With no one there to hold my hand or dry my tears, I cry. Because he's gone and I know I missed my chance. 

*FLASHBACK~ ONE YEAR AGO*

_"Joey's Pizza?" the voice asked. I didn't have time to be happy. _

_Hurriedly, I recited, "Wrong number," and slammed down the phone. _

_Quickly glancing in each direction, I ducked into my car and sped in the direction of the warehouse. _

_He was there, as I knew he would be. _

_"Vaughn… I think Sloane's  figured it out. I'm not sure but I think he has. What do I do?" _

_His green eyes shattered into flecks of pure terror and his face paled ghostly white in the dim lighting. "__Sydney__…oh, God." _

_"Vaughn," I whispered urgently, "I have to get out of here. I have to hide .I know Sloane. If he's going to kill me, it won't be until he's absolutely sure. He'll protect me until the last possible minute. Which give us until tomorrow morning, judging by all the tracks I covered. But it's not enough. I… I have to hide… "_

_"Syd…" his voice filled with pain as my eyes welled up. He knew how much this scared me. He reached forward and embraced me tightly, pushing my hair away from my tear stained face. "__Toronto__…"_

_"What?" I murmured, still hugging him tightly. Then we pulled out of it and he held me out at arms length. _

_"That's the location of the safe house I'm sending you to. __Toronto__, __Canada__."_

_"Why?"_

_"It's the only one that no one but high ranking members of the CIA knows about. It was built for utmost protection. It's completely untraceable… not even __Sark__ could find it if he tried."_

_My heart sank. "It's completely secluded and isolated too, isn't it?" I'll have nothing tying me to civilization."_

_Vaughn said nothing, but gripped my hand tightly. "You have to leave tonight. Early morning, actually. Don't say anything to anyone, not even Francie. No clues, no notes. Just pack up and leave. I'll get an agent waiting here to take you to the airport. Come straight to the warehouse to meet him. No stops."_

_I nodded silently. _

_"Are you going to be okay?" he whispered. _

_"Yeah… but… I guess this is goodbye." My voice cracked. It couldn't be goodbye. _

_"Syd?" I looked up. "There's something I need before you leave."_

_He stepped forward, and my heart pounded. I knew what was coming. _

_As his lips touched mine, my first thought was to return the kiss. To show the love I'd developed over the past two years. But my second thought was 'What are you doing? Spilling your feelings to a man you won't see again for possibly years? Don't do this.' _

_So instead, I broke his heart. I pulled away and left. _

*END FLASHBACK*

Why didn't I let it continue? Why didn't I let him know how I felt? Well… not that I didn't later. But it doesn't matter anymore. 

**_**I know you had to go away. I died just a little_**

**_  And I feel that no you're the one I need_**

**_ I believe that I would cry just a little just to have you back now_**

**_Here with me.**_**

****

*FLASHBACK~ LATER THAT NIGHT*

_It was early morning , but it was dark. No stars or moon were out. It was so dark that I had to stumble through my room to make it to the door, using my hands to guide me until my eyes adjusted. _

_The suitcase I carried held only enough to last a week, but I deal with it somehow. I had more important things to worry about now. _

_I remembered Vaughn's instructions but I just didn't care. On the black streets, whirling through LA for the last time until SD-6 crumbled; I turned sharply away from the path to the warehouse and headed somewhere else as the horizon began to pale. _

_I got out of the car and there he was, just as I expected, staring out onto the midnight blue waves crashing onto the yellow tan shore, the sea foam almost glowing white under the light of the slowly climbing sun. _

_"I knew you'd be here," I caught his attention and joined him by the wooden rail. _

_He didn't even turn around, just kept staring blankly ahead. "I told you not to stop anywhere," he said firmly but softly. _

_"I know. But I had to see you again before I left. Vaughn… thank you. I want to thank you for everything you've done. I know that I can't come back until after SD-6 is gone, so I want you to know how grateful I am that you were there to help me the whole time. And…" I paused before my next words. Jealousy shot through me when I said them. "And I hope another lucky girl gets to work with you while I gone, because you're truly an amazing handler."_

_He looked at me with an unreadable expression. _

_"You know that you're also an amazing friend and person too, right?" I continued. _

_"__Sydney__… I won't be here either. I'm leaving too, and I can't tell you where. Devlin doesn't want to risk them tracing me to you so he's sending me into hiding."_

_"W… what? No… you have a life here. You can't leave because of me… you can't, Vaughn." I demanded tearfully. _

_"It's not your fault, Syd. I'll be fine. We'll be free soon…"_

*END FLASHBACK*

How I wished he could be here now…

**_**You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart_**

**_   And I wanted so badly just to be a part_**

**_  Of something strong and true but I was scared_**

**_ And left it all behind**_**

****

God, how had I let my life slip from beneath me like this? When I was first recruited,  just wanted to be part of something important. I never imagined it would lead to this. Losing everything, gaining nothing. 

Being caught in a world of permanent silence. 

****

**_**I know you had to go away. I died just a little_**

**_  And I feel that no you're the one I need_**

**_ I believe that I would cry just a little just to have you back now_**

**_Here with me.**_**

**_**I never will forget the look upon your face _**

**_   When you turned away and left without a trace _**

**_  But I understand that you did what you had to do_**

**_  And I thank you**_**

****

*FLASHBACK*

_Vaughn reached out and took my hand, holding it against the wooden rail, just as he had one year ago when this downward spiral had all started._

_We hadn't been sure of anything then. Not of what we were doing or what our future would be or what our feelings were. We were just allies, partners, instant friends. I hadn't even guessed then that I would fall in love over the next two years. _

_But it was all different now than it was that night. This time, it was dark and eerie and silent. The Ferris wheel, usually bright and vivid with color and light, was black and figure stood silhouetted and tall against the dawn. _

_Vaughn stared into my eyes, his green eyes flickering and his face shaped into a look I'll remember forever, one permanently engraved into my mind, scattered about the lies and doubts and fears. It was an expression of every emotion known, and some I couldn't place. _

_"__Sydney__, you need to go. There's an agent at the warehouse waiting to take you to __Toronto__. And I have someone coming soon to take me where I need to be. Everything will be okay, Syd. We'll be okay. This…this isn't goodbye forever. Just remember that I'm always out there thinking about you. And… I love you. Don't forget." He lifted my hand that was still intertwined with his and kissed it, then let it go. It felt cold. He was about to leave. _

_"Vaughn, wait…" I spoke suddenly. "I love you too. I just… before, when you kissed me… I pulled away. I didn't want us to get hurt. But…" I couldn't find the words, so I kissed him instead. _

_When we broke apart, I whispered, "Goodbye, Vaughn. Think of me."_

_"Always," he answered softly, making that unexplainable expression again. _

_Then we turned and went our separate ways. _

*END FLASHBACK* 

All I have left of his now is a memory and the silver frame he gave me on our first year as partners. It sits, though empty, on the nightstand by the bed. 

I had never even called him 'Michael.' Not once. 

**_**I know you had to go away. I died just a little_**

**_  And I feel that no you're the one I need_**

**_ I believe that I would cry just a little just to have you back now_**

**_Here with me.**_**

****

Three years. It's been three years since it all started. 

Two years that I spent with him. 

One year since I saw him last. 

I'll see him again, I know I will. One day I'll escape this cage, this trap, this solitude. One day. 

There are very few things I know for a fact anymore. I know I'm in Toronto. That's where the man I know I love told me I was, and I know I have faith in him. And while everything else in my life these days are slowly melting away, love and faith in a person never die. 

So I'll keep going on in this gilded cage, waiting for the day when the gate will open and my heart is free to fly. 

But in the meantime I sit in ringing silence.

It's bland here. It's gray and lonely. That's all I can say.

*END*


End file.
